Life without drama leads to analyzing and reflecting on life.

So, it has been EXTREMELY quiet and drama less around her for a few days so it has had me thinking and learning some things about Derek and I both.

First off, I was raised with hearing nothing but negative things about men and my father up until my step-dad walked into the picture. At that point my mom only married him to have a man in our lives without truly loving him. So, I have been thinking over my relationships and my previous marriage for insight on what went wrong. When I boil it down to what happened, it occurred to me that it was a cause and effect game. The guy in my life would do something that I either read too far into and/or they acted in a certain manner which would cause me to think they were doing this or that or were on the verge of breaking my heart in which I reacted first by doing or saying something to wreck the relationship. In plain terms...sabotage. I found something wrong in my relationships once I started getting close to them...in which I somehow learned to push anyone and everyone away and sabotage myself and that relationship. Now, I am going to reference examples so you can read or skip over this part.

Example #1-Gary
Gary was the love of my life, well  first love of my life. We were happy, in love and had plans for our future...but he would get around one certain friend and he seemed to act differently around him. I was starting to fear that him dumping and breaking my heart was right around the corner because of it so I turned around and broke up with him before he could break up with me. Now, I can look back at this now and think "stupid girl", he was just being a guy. We gave it a 2nd try 4-5 years later but again I still feared letting him get too close and break my heart and we again parted ways. Now he is married with 2 kids and we barely talk. When we were still talking consistently, he had told me sometimes he wished she were me. Personally, I think she senses that and doesn't want him having anymore contact with me than the acquaintance contact.

Example #2-David
Ahh yes, my 1st husband. We were together for a total of 12 years...4 dating and 8 being married. We started dating when I was 16, broke up and got back together numerous times so I took that as a sign we were meant to be together forever cause we kept being lead back together over and over, However, anytime we got close my way of pushing him away was to cheat on him. A  LOT. See, what a lot of people didn't see with David was his addictive behaviors. I saw them ALL and still stood by him but I put up that barrier around my heart to protect myself from being hurt and when I did let him in and he yet again hurt me, my way of dealing became to find a friend or ex that would appreciate me and make me feel better about things. Hence, part of how Derek came about. He listened and comforted me and that was I needed was to be heard and to feel like I was worth more than I was feeling in my marriage. I had never planned on Derek becoming anything more than a friend to whine to but I quickly realized that he was different than anyone else I had dated EVER and I was quickly and easily falling for him. I never meant to hurt David but I always seemed to find a way to hurt him in a close manner to how he would hurt me. One thing Derek taught me right off the bat was NO REGRETS and I don't regret marrying David but I don't regret divorcing him either. We were only meant to be together for that 12 years for the lessons learned.

There are a few more examples I could use but Prashant, Jered, and Brian weren't as big in my life as those 2 were. Prashant was the local college boy trying to woo a teenage girl and he did to an extent but then I moved on. Jered was 8 months, a license to marry and a baby resulting miscarriage. Oh and he cheated on me the morning I found out I was pregnant...needless to say we never married, I ended up cheated on him with David to get back at him and I lost the baby at age 19. Brian was the rebound after my separation that I fell hard for and then he dumped me after he cheated on me with a random girl at the bar.

Ok, so on with my other reflection...I had got to thinking about the point in time when Derek, me and his family were all at odds because they thought I was changing Derek and not in a good way. I got to thinking about that and realized...he has changed and I am responsible in part of it but I don't think they are bad things.

Example #1-Clothing
His choices in clothing have changed A LOT. He use to wear nothing but khaki pants and grey shirts to work and khaki pants and white XBOX shirts at home. Now given it isn't a huge change but instead of the grey only shirt he now wears the same shirts in colors and now he even wears khaki shorts to work instead of khaki pants...he even has a green pair he wears.

Example #2-Gaming
Yes, he is still a die hard gamer but he has cut down his gaming and spending a lot of money on games/decks etc. He has even been getting into some of the facebook games I like. It is nice to be included with his gaming so when he does...it is like he is actually inviting me into his world. It is weird how different I am with Derek than I was with David...I never wanted the attention of David but got it...now Derek is more independent and not so needy so now I actually want the attention since I don't get it. LOL! We as humans are simply NEVER satisfied.

Example #3-Backbone
Derek has gained some confidence/backbone. Derek is not a confrontational kind of guy by any means but since I have known him he was not one to stick up for himself or anyone else. That has changed quite a bit because he will stick up for himself and those that he loves without thinking twice about it. I love this about him! No one has ever stood up for me the way that he has. NO ONE!

Example #4-Religion
Derek use to go to the Christian school just as I did. He went to church with his parents but he and his cousin would draw pictures and come up with stories for them rather than listen to the message. I personally have never gone to that church but from what I am told it is one of those "yawn" kind of churches. He had pretty much cut any kind of religion out of his life after he bought his old house despite the fact he lived diagonal from our church now. Took me forever to get him into a church again but he now goes every Sunday, Sunday night when they have church and Wednesday nights. He got baptized in our church, we got married in our church, we had pre-marital counseling in our church. His religious views have changed...he enjoys our worship time at church and I think he actually looks forward to church a little.

Example #5-Open
Derek use to be a very private person...he was shy about talking about anything and often his parents knew nothing of what was going on with his personal, financial, etc parts of his life. He was very closed off and then I came along with my big mouth and open book kind of attitude and poof that changed too. He is still somewhat closed about some things but he has opened up A LOT since we started dating. He is open and honest about things even when I don't want to hear them. I think that this example is a large part of why his family thought he had changed so much...because he rarely ever let them in on what was truly going on in his life. I can understand how it might look like that. He has loosened up is the best way to put it...not quite so uptight about certain things especially PDA and stuff like that.

I think those are the major things that I have notice change in him. So, yes Derek has changed but I don't necessarily think it was in a bad way. He is constantly growing and learning and changing just as I am. I have come a LONG way from where i was and where I am now. When I left my first marriage the only things I could see were the bad things but now that I have forgiven him and gotten God as my center of life, I can look back and remember the good times David and I had instead of blocking them all out with all the bad stuff. Every once in a while I even catch myself missing him...he did have SOME good qualities...I didn't fall in love with a jerk. I just pray now that he will get his act together, get right with God and eventually forgive me for my part in everything that happened with us. NO REGRETS! Everything happens for a reason and I believe Derek was the reason for my 1st marriage. I would never have come to be who I am if I had not had Derek. I love you HoneyBee!!