okey dokey....

I write this blog as my own personal release when I need to express things. That is what I do...I write...my feelings down....instead of picking up a beer....instead of doing pot....instead of taking a diabetic lancet and cutting myself. Don't like it...don't read it. I write it for me and me alone...no one has to read it.

As for emailing me honor thy father and mother Scriptures...do you have a point? I honor all 3 of the people that raised me/gave me life. I respect the fact that 2 of those 3 people raised me when they didn't have to but chose the option to despite it all. I respect that the 3rd person has had at lit a little bit of a part in my life plus him helping in the giving me life part. I respect that 2 of the 3 were really great parents to me and despite the amount of crap that I put them through growing up they were still by my side...1 is even willing to still be even though he has no strings attached to have to be. I hate what he did too but I refuse to continue to punish/blame him for something I myself did to my own marriage (1st one).

Honor is not about doing/saying what you want to see/hear. It is about an unspoken love and respect for the people that raised you and I do. Throughout my blurbs I have still said that I love you and I respect how great of a mom you were to me. It isn't about having to agree with whatever you do or want.

For another thing, I am not angry with anyone anymore. I have forgiven all that I needed to forgive. Forgiving isn't blaming someone for everything bad that happens in your life. It doesn't work that way. True forgiveness gives you the ability to let go, no blame, no hard feelings, and wishing them well.

Scottie should get the house...it should be in his name since he is the one actually buying it. Not that he is going to need it when he leaves for university next year. He had better go too or I know if he doesn't that it is because of you. He deserves better than that. I want to see him succeed for him. I want to see him get out of this hole. My point was that he shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to have a life of his own rather than taking care of and supporting his mom. He is 20...since when does being 20 mean supporting your parents? You said yourself that had it not been that he is paying the bills you would have booted him out already.



 I found a question and response thing on something similar that I want to post about honor:

This is a question sent in by wondering on the “Ask Aaron Anything” link:

The bible says that we are to honor our father and mother, but I was wondering, What does honoring in tale, because we are dealing with Parents that continuously choose not honor our union as husband and wife. How do you stand up to Parents who think that they should still be in control of your life, or should be an active role in your union with your spouse, and think that their opinions, and their place is more valuable then your spouses. What do you do when you have brought these issues forward and they point blank will not change or are willing to admit to them. There has to be a point of separation, but how do you do that with honor and respect. With out hurting people you deeply love.

My Answer:

(JUST A NOTE: THIS ANSWER DOES NOT APPLY TO TEENAGERS OR CHILDREN WHO ARE LIVING AT HOME WITH MOM AND DAD)

Ephesians 6:2 – “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise) The biblical definition for honor – show respect, give recognition, often implying action to show that honor.  The question is, is there a way to not listen to your parents and stand up to your parents without disrespecting them?  FOR SURE!!! If they are your parents you need to be the one to respectfully put them in their place.  If they are followers of Jesus you can appeal to them on that level, if they are not you are going to have to be a little more creative.  Now let me give you a few thoughts.  You asked two questions here… (1) What does it mean to honor? (2) How can I not hurt them?

(1) To honor them means to respect their position and what they did for you.  To recognize the sacrifice they made and how much they love you and did for you.  Now honoring them does not mean worship them or obey them. You are now in a covenant where you are one flesh with your husband and that must be protected.  Your relationship has changed but can still be respectful.

(2) You will have to hurt them.  Not in a mean and disrespectful way but you will have to hurt them and set some boundaries.  Do not make your husband do it because then they will think that he is trying to ruin your relationship with them.  You be the one to sit down (not in the middle of a fight but in a time of peace) and tell them what you see and what is going to happen.  Be firm and confident, make sure you affirm how much you love them and respect them, and tell them that you are not going to allow it anymore.

 That is all for now.

Drama Free

So, since all the no contact has taken place...it has been drama free around here. Quiet and serene overall. I did send her an e-card for her birthday(23rd) though. 

I received an email from my ex-step-dad last night. I had been debating on emailing him for a few weeks now to apologize for the last email I had sent him since it wasn't so nice. So, I finally got off my butt and did it so he responded. Honestly, I hate what he did but I have no right to judge it considering I did the same thing to David. I know...I realize that some people justify that behavior because of the abuse I was taking in but even so...I was married to him still and I had no right falling in love with Derek and pursuing anything with him until things were final with David and I. However, I don't regret it because if it were meant to happen any other way if would have. One thing that I came away from was no regrets ever. 

I can't forget what he did but I sure as heck can forgive him for it. It wasn't fair for Scottie and I to have to choose sides. No child should grow up without their dad...no matter how badly they wronged the other spouse. I know what it is like to grow up without a dad...it is traumatizing. To have a guy walk in and take over as dad and you not be their blood is a good man. I think what it came down to is one partner not feeling the same as the other partner. When I left David, he knew that I had no love for him anymore...I told him. From his end, he didn't care whether I loved him or not...he wanted me to stay. How would that have been fair to him?? I wasn't trying to be completely selfish with my choice...I was thinking of him too. 

Now I don't know if his reasons were anywhere near what mine were but if so...who am I to talk?! I don't think that my mom understands that. I was a hypocrite for that entire time this whole thing was going on and yes this time I was being selfish. I was devastated by what was going on. He was the only guy I ever knew as daddy and then poof he was gone. Mom is blood so I naturally thought I had no choice but to choose her side...I am still on her side but I can't justify hating him just because she does when I did the same thing. Does that make sense?

The thing that gets me is how she can so blindly look at the situation. for 1...it makes her no better than David when it comes to the whole situation and 2...how in the world could she not see the anger and irritation was aimed towards her always doing this or doing that having to do with him...how could she assume I have anger towards him when it was her constantly talking about him, to him or his family. Am I missing something here?

How can she print out a picture of his girlfriend and bring it to church to show everyone that will look a year after the divorce? How can she contact his mom and daughter and have the nerve to call his grand-daughter...her grand-daughter and not see anything wrong with that? That is like me running around saying that Danielle(David's niece) is still my niece and that her little girl is my great-niece. 

I love my mom but her life right now is not stable. Glen was a good guy. He was good to her. He was perfect for her and I think that he gave her that little bit of stability that she had for a while until he left. She simply cannot see that I want what is best for her and that isn't always going to be what she wants or what she wants to hear. Sorry to say...I am not wrong and I refuse to be forced into saying I am when I am indeed not. If she wants to not talk to me until I say that I am wrong she is going to be waiting a LOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG time.  

Anyways, Derek should be home any time now so I am going to end there for now. Hugs to all!

Life without drama leads to analyzing and reflecting on life.

So, it has been EXTREMELY quiet and drama less around her for a few days so it has had me thinking and learning some things about Derek and I both.

First off, I was raised with hearing nothing but negative things about men and my father up until my step-dad walked into the picture. At that point my mom only married him to have a man in our lives without truly loving him. So, I have been thinking over my relationships and my previous marriage for insight on what went wrong. When I boil it down to what happened, it occurred to me that it was a cause and effect game. The guy in my life would do something that I either read too far into and/or they acted in a certain manner which would cause me to think they were doing this or that or were on the verge of breaking my heart in which I reacted first by doing or saying something to wreck the relationship. In plain terms...sabotage. I found something wrong in my relationships once I started getting close to them...in which I somehow learned to push anyone and everyone away and sabotage myself and that relationship. Now, I am going to reference examples so you can read or skip over this part.

Example #1-Gary
Gary was the love of my life, well  first love of my life. We were happy, in love and had plans for our future...but he would get around one certain friend and he seemed to act differently around him. I was starting to fear that him dumping and breaking my heart was right around the corner because of it so I turned around and broke up with him before he could break up with me. Now, I can look back at this now and think "stupid girl", he was just being a guy. We gave it a 2nd try 4-5 years later but again I still feared letting him get too close and break my heart and we again parted ways. Now he is married with 2 kids and we barely talk. When we were still talking consistently, he had told me sometimes he wished she were me. Personally, I think she senses that and doesn't want him having anymore contact with me than the acquaintance contact.

Example #2-David
Ahh yes, my 1st husband. We were together for a total of 12 years...4 dating and 8 being married. We started dating when I was 16, broke up and got back together numerous times so I took that as a sign we were meant to be together forever cause we kept being lead back together over and over, However, anytime we got close my way of pushing him away was to cheat on him. A  LOT. See, what a lot of people didn't see with David was his addictive behaviors. I saw them ALL and still stood by him but I put up that barrier around my heart to protect myself from being hurt and when I did let him in and he yet again hurt me, my way of dealing became to find a friend or ex that would appreciate me and make me feel better about things. Hence, part of how Derek came about. He listened and comforted me and that was I needed was to be heard and to feel like I was worth more than I was feeling in my marriage. I had never planned on Derek becoming anything more than a friend to whine to but I quickly realized that he was different than anyone else I had dated EVER and I was quickly and easily falling for him. I never meant to hurt David but I always seemed to find a way to hurt him in a close manner to how he would hurt me. One thing Derek taught me right off the bat was NO REGRETS and I don't regret marrying David but I don't regret divorcing him either. We were only meant to be together for that 12 years for the lessons learned.

There are a few more examples I could use but Prashant, Jered, and Brian weren't as big in my life as those 2 were. Prashant was the local college boy trying to woo a teenage girl and he did to an extent but then I moved on. Jered was 8 months, a license to marry and a baby resulting miscarriage. Oh and he cheated on me the morning I found out I was pregnant...needless to say we never married, I ended up cheated on him with David to get back at him and I lost the baby at age 19. Brian was the rebound after my separation that I fell hard for and then he dumped me after he cheated on me with a random girl at the bar.

Ok, so on with my other reflection...I had got to thinking about the point in time when Derek, me and his family were all at odds because they thought I was changing Derek and not in a good way. I got to thinking about that and realized...he has changed and I am responsible in part of it but I don't think they are bad things.

Example #1-Clothing
His choices in clothing have changed A LOT. He use to wear nothing but khaki pants and grey shirts to work and khaki pants and white XBOX shirts at home. Now given it isn't a huge change but instead of the grey only shirt he now wears the same shirts in colors and now he even wears khaki shorts to work instead of khaki pants...he even has a green pair he wears.

Example #2-Gaming
Yes, he is still a die hard gamer but he has cut down his gaming and spending a lot of money on games/decks etc. He has even been getting into some of the facebook games I like. It is nice to be included with his gaming so when he does...it is like he is actually inviting me into his world. It is weird how different I am with Derek than I was with David...I never wanted the attention of David but got it...now Derek is more independent and not so needy so now I actually want the attention since I don't get it. LOL! We as humans are simply NEVER satisfied.

Example #3-Backbone
Derek has gained some confidence/backbone. Derek is not a confrontational kind of guy by any means but since I have known him he was not one to stick up for himself or anyone else. That has changed quite a bit because he will stick up for himself and those that he loves without thinking twice about it. I love this about him! No one has ever stood up for me the way that he has. NO ONE!

Example #4-Religion
Derek use to go to the Christian school just as I did. He went to church with his parents but he and his cousin would draw pictures and come up with stories for them rather than listen to the message. I personally have never gone to that church but from what I am told it is one of those "yawn" kind of churches. He had pretty much cut any kind of religion out of his life after he bought his old house despite the fact he lived diagonal from our church now. Took me forever to get him into a church again but he now goes every Sunday, Sunday night when they have church and Wednesday nights. He got baptized in our church, we got married in our church, we had pre-marital counseling in our church. His religious views have changed...he enjoys our worship time at church and I think he actually looks forward to church a little.

Example #5-Open
Derek use to be a very private person...he was shy about talking about anything and often his parents knew nothing of what was going on with his personal, financial, etc parts of his life. He was very closed off and then I came along with my big mouth and open book kind of attitude and poof that changed too. He is still somewhat closed about some things but he has opened up A LOT since we started dating. He is open and honest about things even when I don't want to hear them. I think that this example is a large part of why his family thought he had changed so much...because he rarely ever let them in on what was truly going on in his life. I can understand how it might look like that. He has loosened up is the best way to put it...not quite so uptight about certain things especially PDA and stuff like that.

I think those are the major things that I have notice change in him. So, yes Derek has changed but I don't necessarily think it was in a bad way. He is constantly growing and learning and changing just as I am. I have come a LONG way from where i was and where I am now. When I left my first marriage the only things I could see were the bad things but now that I have forgiven him and gotten God as my center of life, I can look back and remember the good times David and I had instead of blocking them all out with all the bad stuff. Every once in a while I even catch myself missing him...he did have SOME good qualities...I didn't fall in love with a jerk. I just pray now that he will get his act together, get right with God and eventually forgive me for my part in everything that happened with us. NO REGRETS! Everything happens for a reason and I believe Derek was the reason for my 1st marriage. I would never have come to be who I am if I had not had Derek. I love you HoneyBee!!

More mama drama...

So, as I stated in my previous post...my mom has a tendency to go into messengers and various social sites and delete me and probably block me from her friends lists whenever I say/do something she doesn't like and yet again she has done so.

I don't know if she will read this blog too or not but I want to state that Derek has nothing to do with my decisions. I have my own mind and thoughts and Derek encourages me and knows that he cannot influence them in any way. Yes he is always on my side...because he is my husband and that is the way that it should be. If you don't have your spouse in your corner at all times...I see no point to being married to them. I do not want you to think he is why any of this is the way it is because it really has nothing to do with him. I know he is bias which is why I try to not talk to him about it other than to vent (hence why I started this blog, so I wouldn't have to vent to him so much). That is also why I have talked to a few people in our church that I trust and can guide me in a Godly manner to what I need to do in a non-biased perspective.

Honestly, I feel that my little brother has grown up in a home that was very hypocritical. He was taught in church one thing and then his parents rarely led by example. That in my opinion is why his perspective of religion is so extremely jaded and easily influenced now. I will forever pray for his salvation but until he is in an environment that is more stable and represented by people that can guide him by leading by example, I really don't think it will happen. I just hope he knows that he will always be able to have a place here as long as it is ok with my husband. No it isn't as a punishment or whatever you are thinking...it is more as a stable safety net for him where he can save up for his own life and not be taking care of anyone but himself and his future. He and I may not see eye to eye but he is my baby brother and I love him...I don't like to see him so emotionally screwed up like I was. It isn't fair to him to feel like he HAS to take care of his mom simply because she doesn't feel the ability to take care of herself just because of a man. What happened to all men are horrible, you don't need a man to be happy and take care of everything for you...I grew up hearing this all throughout my life and I paid for it dearly by pushing every man that meant anything to me away.

As for the messege left on my voicemail...I never once said anything about running you out of our church. I have been trying for months to get you to go into counseling with Pastor Mike. I talked to Charlene because of the reasons above...I asked for the group to pray for you and Scottie...when Mike asked where you were I told him I didn't know because we again weren't speaking. Charlene knew of the last time and asked ME what was going on and I told her tidbits of what I wrote in that 1st blog. I did NOT lie to her, I told her exactly what was going on, what caused it and how I felt about all of it. Neither Derek nor I have an issue with you staying in the class so you are the one making the issue of it. I never once said that you had an evil heart...all I said was that it isn't right with God and blackened by bitterness and anger and a lot of people are ignoring it and feeding the fire by encouraging the behaviors that cause it. You need to get your facts straight before causing unneeded drama.

My mother is insane!

My mom has been divorced since April 2009. She divorced my ex-step-dad because he met another woman playing a video game online and decided that it was in his best interest to leave his family to go down to Virginia to meet this woman in person. My mother emailed this woman and the woman decided not to pick him up at the bus station so he sat at the bus station a few days while trying to find a way back home to Iowa. Once he returned they tried to work things out but there was another woman and then another until the point that he moved out and they divorced. He is now with the last woman he met off the Internet. I am not his but I saw him as daddy since he raised me more than my actual father did. When I was almost 10 they had my little brother, Scottie. He also had to 2 daughters from a previous relationship but they pretty much only wanted anything to do with any of us when they wanted something or they were sent to spy on our family and report back to their mother. Anyways, I emailed him at one point and told him that he needed to stop having contact with her so that she had a chance to get over him but come to find out later on she has been having the contact with him and his new girlfriend. During this whole ordeal I was dealing with my own issues from my own divorce due to an abusive husband so I was already an emotional wreck let alone having to deal with this and my mother.

So, here we are 4 months over a year since her divorce and she has completely changed. I don't even know who this woman is cause she is not my mom by any means. She has become a woman that guilt trips me for not doing what she wants or for disagreeing with her. She has been in therapy for months now and all this therapist does is enable her immature, childish and ungodly behaviors. I am honestly thrilled that this woman is moving to a different company in a different town and that my mom has no license to continue seeing her.

My mom use to be a semi-confident, happy, open-minded, independent, mature woman until he left. Now she is constantly nagging me about doing this for her or doing that for her then guilt tripping me when I don't say or do what she wants when she wants. She depends on us kids to take care of her and do everything for her...my 20 year old little brother lives at home still but his SSI is the ONLY income in the house and at 20 years old he is taking care of his 50 year mother who has been trying to get SSI for years and turned down every time. Over the past 2 days I have been considering seeing if he would like to move in with my husband and I temporarily. It would take alot off his plate for responsibilities and help us out somewhat. Anyways, back to my mother...she just isn't my mom anymore and I have been considering pushing the delete on her being any part of my life until she gets her act together....I don't want to....she is my mom and I love her but she puts a damper on my life and my walk with God. This is a woman who was my best friend along with being a great mom. We talked about anything and everything without tension but now I am to the point that I can't even stand to be around her or talk to her. That is heart-breaking for me.

Recently, her and my ex-step-dad's daughter have had contact...she promised me she wouldn't have contact with him anymore so this has become her way of having indirect contact with him and his life....by having contact with his family members...so far it has been his daughter and his mother. Anyhow, she came down to my mom's house supposedly to see her brother who is her half brother. Anyways, she calls me to tell me she is disappointed that she hadn't shown up yet that she was looking forward to seeing her and her granddaughter. EXCUSE ME?! I swear my jaw dropped to the ground...she isn't your step-daughter anymore and that little girl is not your granddaughter. You don't have ANY grand kids yet! She sees nothing wrong with this...this is a desperate and pathetic attempt to hold onto a man that left our family and cheated on you emotional for years and you are grasping onto anything or any kind of contact with him or his family just to keep that hold. Yea I am sure that is a healthy way to go about getting over him and the whole situation.

Anyways, she was seeing a guy that was 10 years older than she is...he was nice, kind and worshipped the ground she walked on even after trashing all over him for months. He bought her roses, a new coffeepot, ect. Recently this guy moved to the state next to us and he has no vehicle as of this point. I was over there and we were talking about him...she had made the comment of the fact that she COULD have fallen in love with him and that she missed his company...here I was thinking that was sweet,,,then she continues with saying oh man now that he is gone I will never get that shelf/hutch/curio shelf I wanted for my birthday. Once again my jaw dropped to the ground in a flash and I was thinking WHAT?! You missed out on a guy that you treated like dirt but still worshipped you and you are more concerned about a cabinet?! You CANNOT be serious?! So now all I can think is that she was using this guy.

So, we go to the same church for Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night services. Our Pastor's wife picks her up for services and she comes in on our Wednesday night class with a picture she printed off of her computer of his girlfriend to show our Pastor's wife and she continues to bring it in to class with her and shows our class and proceeds to tell who the picture is of. Ok, now call me crazy but am I wrong that she sounds like an obsessed loony toon here??!!

Anyways, she runs into his ex-roommate from after he moved out and he tells her they got married. Now this roommate isn't exactly trustworthy so she has the audacity to ask me if they got married because I talked to his girlfriend ONCE to warn them that his daughter gave my mom his new cell phone number....since she thinks that we now talk all the time and are best of friends. Personally, I see it as none of her business if they got married or not...it is not her life anymore so she needs to leave it alone and move on rather than put us kids in the middle and then use and abuse us in the process. We can only take so much and I at that point had had enough and I let this all out to her. I tried my hardest to keep it gentle but firm. However, she started in that I was judging her and guilt tripping me for saying anything. So, my husband sees how upset I am getting over this confrontation and calls her and IM's her and she gives me this whole thing on it being between her and I and it was wrong for me to involve him...I didn't involve him...he was reading what was going on and involved himself...he has that right....I am his wife and I was getting upset so yea he got involved. That is what a real husband does...defends his wife when she is upset and being attacked by a lunatic. Keep in mind this all really started over her saying she had forgiven him and then her making the statement that he could go to he**. Sorry but if you have forgiven someone those kinds of statements don't come out of your mouth in any form. I was abused in every way by my ex-husband but after I left and we got divorced I have NEVER said that to or about him. Once my husband and I were going through pre-martial counseling for our wedding in April...I started realizing some things about myself, my 1st marriage and how things turned out. Since that point I have taken up praying for him whole-heartedly for him to hit that point where he realizes that he needs God in his life and comes back to the Lord and it not just be an act like it was while we were married. He may have been horrible in the end but I married him because I was truly in love with who he was....why would I want something horrible for him?

So, now I am at that point of do I or don't I need to cut her out of my life until she gets things in her life straight. I really don't know if it is my head or my heart or God telling me to. It is simply not an easy thing to be able to tell the difference between. I however did talk to the leader of our class last night and she understands my need to possibly do that. She too had to do the same thing in the beginning of her marriage. She also recognizes the behaviors that I do and I am sure if I asked Pastor's wife she has noticed them too. Her behaviors are obsessive, immature, childish, and plain ungodly in so many ways. She can't see it and everyone continues to enable her to those behaviors. She needs to be in therapy with someone with a Christian perspective that can help her move on and strengthen her walk with God not tell her it is ok to act in those ways. She only seems to talk or call to us if she wants/needs something such as a taxi service to the store....we have literally become her taxi service among other things. I feel used and abused and straight up frustrated by all this. Then she assumes that I have anger issues with him simply because I get agitated whenever she speaks of him...HELLO! The divorce was over a year ago...I have moved on and am over it. Yea I don't like what he did but there is no changing it now...I have forgiven him and wish him and his new lady luck. I hope they get their lives right with God and have a great Godly marriage if they are or are going to get married. I get agitated because of HER...talking about him, contacting him, contacting his family, deleting me off friends lists just because I express my opinions and advice, playing the pity me game and using everyone she can. Guess what we aren't always going to be there...it is high time to put on the big girl panties and take care of yourself, not have everyone do it for you. The enablers need to move on, the victim/pity me games need to stop and the maturity level needs to rise to a respectable level because the respect at this point is little to none thanks to all of this mama drama. Your children are suffering, the people you have contact with are suffering and most important of all your walk with God is suffering. He shouldn't be a crutch for you to feel better about yourself, your life, etc. Your heart is blackened and He knows it...could be why the nightmares continue and all the prayers have not been working.

I think that I am finished with this blog...it is a long one. We will she where God leads me in this situation.